i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
