Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
