My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
