I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
