Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
