Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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