Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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