i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
