im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
