he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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