Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
