If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
