i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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