And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
