Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
