So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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