well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My ass is underappreciated
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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