i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
