Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
