I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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