Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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