I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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