His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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