literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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