just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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