ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
