Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
