Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
