Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
