There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
