my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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