The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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