im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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