How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
