How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
