The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
