Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
