i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
