nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
