My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
