Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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