You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
