I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
