I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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