went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
