I wish I could teleport
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
