oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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