i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
