Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my shit smells like andre
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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