I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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