Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
