i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Is it penis luge time yet?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
