i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
