I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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