yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
