I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
